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Kenny

Kenny regularly gets dragged to work at his mom's boutique whenever he's home from college. Probably slept with your girlfriend last night and stole your lunch out of the work fridge. People who throw their weights at the gym really grind his gears. 

Hometown: Topsail Beach, North Carolina

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Boh

Hasn't figured out what to do with his legs. He's not sure what everyone's laughing about but he's just happy to be here. 

Hometown: Baltimore, Maryland

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Buxton

Won't say, "No" if you ask for some of his fries but he won't say, "Yes" either as you reach for them. His dad's a busy, local artist and he's not mad but he's really just disappointed that you threw your jacket on the couch when he's spent all day cleaning the house. Jesus, Greg. Every night.

Hometown: Topsail Beach, North Carolina

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Rella

She saw you pass the stand on your way into the grocery store, but on your way out she will absolutely confront you and ask why you didn't purchase any of her girl scout cookies to help support future women leaders of America. Here, just take this brochure, you old bag. 

Hometown: Savannah, Georgia

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Astro

Spent two years riding the bench on his community college's lacrosse team. You'll probably find him shouting, "Celebrity Shot!" at a frat party before shooting and missing the table completely. Will crash on your couch and drive home to his parents' in the morning. Really doesn't understand why you put him in the Friend Zone because he wore his nice flannel to TGI Fridays just for you.  

Hometown: Baltimore, Maryland

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Ari

 

Walked in on his wife having sex with the Amazon Prime delivery guy. Joined Planet Fitness to boost his confidence but stopped at Wendy's on the way home for a double stack burger and fries. Got ketchup on his nice jeans. He'll send you those meeting files right after you go to hell, Richard. 

Hometown: Bethesda, Maryland

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Harvey

Harvey doesn't mean to be a hovering boss since his promotion last month, but he asked Richard for those copy points 54 seconds ago and really has no concept of time. Scribble some shapes on an 8X11 and just GIVE THE GOOD BOY WHAT HE NEEDS, Richard. 

Hometown: Bethesda, Maryland

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Clyde

Clyde just finished a brutal round of morning golf with his pals and really just wanted to blow off some steam at the bar with his buddies. Their annoying fifth-wheel Tom may be sitting 6 bar stools away, but you better believe Clyde, mid-sip, just heard that joke he made about him being 18 strokes over PAW.

Fuck off, Tom. 

Hometown: Shaw | Washington, DC

 

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Peggy

Just lost her job as the school lunch lady after 29 years. Will probably ask you if you want to put her famous meatloaf recipe in your iPhone notes. Really unsure about what her next move is going to be and she's kind of freaking out. 

Hometown: Logan Circle | Washington, DC

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Beckett

Plays shortstop for his Little League team and always applies sunscreen because his mom said so. He really wants to talk to you about his upcoming laser-tag sleepover because his mom and dad are letting him and his pals drink Coke and rent a PG-13 movie with strong language and partial nudity. 

Hometown: Shaw | Washington, DC

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Garth

Has been living in a senior home for the past three years and will forget that he already told you about the time he played backup guitar for Steve Miller Band at The Roxy in L.A. His best friend will tell you that Garth was really just high and playing air guitar on the back bar before being escorted out. Let's let him get his kicks where he can.

Hometown: Columbia Heights | Washington, DC 

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Blanche

 

Legs for days. Friends ask Blanche to be the bottom of their trench-coated trio so they can get into restaurants and buy beer. She’s auditioned for the leading role as Eliza Hamilton for the off-Broadway Hamilton seven times and has been casted as “cumulus cloud” seven times. She’ll sure as hell talk your ear off about Global Warming so don’t even try suggesting any anti-humidity hair products unless you have roughly thirty-seven minutes to two hours to spare. Waiting for a call back as the paw model for Where The Wild Things Are, The Musical — but in the meantime, she’s really looking forward to seeing Betty Who in concert.

Hometown: Shaw, Washington, DC

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Truman

Left his job in vacuum sales because the industry just really sucked. Relocated to Isla Holbox where he opened his own scuba gear rental shack. Tried to captain a glass bottom boat but was regularly spooked by the fish in front of his charters. He doesn’t know where anything is on a map yet but he can tell you where to get the best coronarita. Wears socks with his Tevas and doesn’t care what you think. Wait. YES he does. Cool your jets with that Mudslide and share with the class why you’re staring, Linda.

Hometown: Bethesda, MD

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Zeus

 

Definitely owns a candy cottage in the forest that kids like to visit. Will tell them war stories and show off his antique Pez collection. Still gets the paper delivered every morning and really misses doing Crossword puzzles with his late wife, Sue.

Hometown: Columbia Heights, Washington DC

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Kevin

Saw his ex-girlfriend with a new guy waiting in line at the Ryan Adams concert. Let his beers get the best of him when he shouted, “Jessica, wait! It’s me, Kevin!” Jessica turned around, but Jessica did not wait. Will eat a hot dog and probably pass out on the lawn after telling his best friend Craig how beautiful she looked in those shoes thirteen times.

Hometown: Penn Quarter, Washington, DC

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Elton

Has been the janitor at a small theatre for sixteen years but is secretly an award-winning pianist who toured Europe before hitting rock bottom back in the 80’s. Legend has it that fame got the best of him. And cocaine. Will finish mopping the floor and then go home to his studio apartment where he’ll eat a microwaved dinner and listen to Beethoven on vinyl.

Hometown: Shaw, Washington, DC

Cowboy

Likes spicy food and carries hot sauce in his gun holster. Lies about his height in dating apps and will definitely take you line dancing on a first date. Has MOM in a heart tattooed on his ass but hasn’t spoken to his two brothers in years.

Hometown: H Street, Washington, DC

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Christina

She only went on one date with Mason but it’s been 40 seconds since she texted him without hearing back so she’s gonna send another 8 texts and file a missing person’s report. Is reallyyyy excited all of her friends are getting engaged. Says, “Omg stop” roughly 85 times throughout the day. Claims the Ellie Goulding Delirium album changed her spiritually.

Hometown: Chinatown, Washington, DC

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Winston

On a group text with Meryl Streep. Launched a lube brand that took off in San Francisco before expanding globally. Discovered small plates were nottt the only thing his husband Sal was getting from the EC at their favorite spot. Just settled the divorce and lost everything: the private jet, his signed ABBA vinyl collection, the prized tribal souvenir cache — even their cat Veneto they rescued off the streets of Carmel. Mostly worried he’ll never find love now that’s he older and less flattering in a speedo. Will continue his hotel wine bar bender until he gets back on his feet. Have a nice life, Sal. You tapas-loving, two-timing dick.

Hometown: San Diego, CA

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Charlie

HAY YOU GUYSS. Drives a VW that he thought was a BMW. *Really* embarrassing Craigslist mix-up he’s still working through in therapy so we’re gonna sweep that one under the rug and bring it up never. Has ordered chicken fingers more times than I’m comfortable sharing. Dipping his toes into speed dating. This is his first time on the scene but he fell in love with date 1 just 3 seconds in. Will absolutely climb across the table to make out and already bought her VIP tickets to Taylor Swift’s Reputation tour. Just now. On his phone. JUST LOVE THE GOOD BOY, JENNIFER.

Hometown: U Street, Washington, DC

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Brenda

She’s really excited about this month’s book club read because it’s the perfect balance of risqué and smart fiction — slash it’s called “Hey Ladies!” and is just a collection of emails between millennial best friends trying to plan bachelorettes and vacations. It was a hard sell for Brenda but she made it happen. Says, “You know, yada yada yada,” when explaining almost anything. There’s a 9 out of 10 chance she’ll wink at the much younger valet when he hands her the keys to her Lexus convertible and a 10/10 chance that wink is awkward and just making her look like she has some type of twitch going on. Claims she’s on a diet most days but that diet is mainly wine and Kind bars she stashes in every pocket of her handbag. Last summer she drank too much champagne on a catamaran off the Turkish coastline where she made one of the deckhands play Looking Glass’ Brandy (You’re a Fine Girl) four times in a row, subbing out Brandy with Brenda every single time really, really loudly until she tripped on her own coverup and hit her head. She’ll still say that was a really nice trip. Awww. That waaaas. Right, ladies?

Hometown: Shaw, Washington, DC

Chico

Can’t stop, won’t stop. And he didn’t. Buckets of beer at lunch didn’t fare well for this good boy, especially when he decided that nachos would taste better with a hit from every hot sauce bottle in the entire establishment. All 43 of them. Sources say things really took a sharp left turn from there, but that’s alright—this señor’s had a long week. BEEN THERE. 14/10 will ask for their hot sauce back.

Hometown: North Shore, Pittsburgh, PA

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Tahoe

Single but usually plans group ski trips with all couples. He’ll pass out before 5 because he ripped too many shots at breakfast before stumbling and collapsing on the flip cup table. Not the best best man at weddings, but definitely the most entertaining. Will show up if you have car troubles and don’t have AAA but will absolutely talk you into getting a burger somewhere even if you had plans. Had a girlfriend for four years and still hasn’t gotten over the breakup that happened two years ago. Got kicked out of an Alt-J concert for jumping on stage, grabbing the mic and completely winging Breezeblocks before being tackled. His parents think he needs to settle down but he’s just trying to round up the guys for Burning Man and master his homemade bbq sauce recipe. HE WILL SETTLE DOWN WHEN IT FEELS RIGHT, RHONDA.

Hometown: Bethesda, MD